My Immortal Meets The Big Bang Theory
by CastlesBurning
Summary: Infamous Ebony Way from the Harry Potter world has a younger sister who befriends Leonard and his friends and makes enemies with others. I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

Hi, my name is Lilac and I had an older sister named Ebony who went to Hogwarts and I'm a squib so I got sent to a normal school. I have curly brown hair to my shoulders and dark blue eyes. I am slightly on the chunky side and I have stains on my teeth where I once had braces. I am really intelligent though and I have a nice personality unlike my sister. I am dating this boy named Leonard Hofstadter who is fifteen like me.

"Hi Leonard!" I called when I saw him in the hall.

"Hi Lilac." He replied with his glasses. I was about to say something back when Sheldork Cooper walked up. I had to suppress a sigh, he can be SO annoying. Thankfully, he was too busy complaining about something to notice us, so Leonard and I snuck away before he could see us.

"That was close." Leonard said wiping his brow and taking a puff off of his inhaler.

"I know right?" I said. Sheldork was so annoying that I sometimes felt like torturing him like in that one movie. The only person more annoying than Sheldon was that prep Howard but he was celebrating Rash Hannah because he's Jewish so he wasn't there. Howard was sooo annoying with his tight pants and chili bowl haircut, sometimes I felt like blinding him and sending him out on the streets to beg for money for me like in that one movie. However, you can only blind people if they sing well like in that one movie.

"What are you thinking about?" Leonard asked breaking into my thoughts.

"Just how annoying Sheldork is and how preppy Harold is." I said before bursting into tears, thinking about things that piss me off can get me so emotional. Leonard started crying too and we started cutting ourselves with his glasses. (Enoby had said that the cool kids do it.)

As we were cutting, Raj walked up and then he started crying because he's very sensitive. Leonard and I put up our middle fingers at him and walked off. Then, Raj's preppy sister did a voo doo spell and Leonard fell on the ground and…DIED!

To be continued….


	2. Chapter 2

During Science class, Wil Wheaton, Stuart, and Barry were throwing paper balls at the different students' Science experiments. They then walked over to Sheldon's experiment and launched a paper ball at it, Sheldon jumped sexily in front of the ball and yelled,

"FOR SCIENCE!"

Everyone started clapping for Sheldon's bravery and they started clapping even harder when Sheldon died from a ruptured spleen.

Leonard was extremely sad though,

"I'll miss him, he was crazy but he was a good friend." He said sadly, cutting himself with his glasses.

"Bazinga!" Sheldork yelled popping up, it turns out that he didn't die after all. Leonard and I were pissed at him for tricking us so we gave him the middle finger and walked off. While we were working, we ran into that prep Howard which pissed me off immensely.

"I thought you were off doing Jewish things." I said.

"I'm done now you stupid goth." Howard retorted rolling his eyes. I glared at his shrimp body and stomped off with Leonard at my heels.

"Ugh, why does he have to think he's better than everyone else? Why does he have to be such a stupid prep?" I grumbled.

"I know right?" Leonard said. Then, we started making out in the halls, Leonard took off my shirt and I took off his pants and we started doing it! Sheldon saw us and he ran off crying, he was scarred for life!


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: WARNING some of this chapter is extremely scary, viewer excretion advised! _

After school, Leonard, Raj, and I went to the convenient store. We bought some candy and Yoo-hoo and stuff and Raj got everything for free since he's Indian.

Before we could leave the store, Stuart walked in with a sad look on his face and he ran up to Raj.

"I don't care what those stupid friends of mine think, I don't care if they don't want me to be with you; I love you! I just want to be with you!" He cried to him. Barry and Wil Wheaton then walked up with sneers on their faces.

"You broke the Bully Pact Stuart, it said to never fall for a nerd!" Wil Wheaton said angrily.

"I don't care, he's my boyfriend and I love him!" Stuart retorted. Howard, who had been masticating to Playboy magazines heard this and it made him angry because Raj had been his boyfriend before he went preppy. He then walked up to Stuart and they started to fight to the death!

Stuart then gave Howard a giant paper cut with his comic book and Howard started to cry. Then, the ground started to shake and Howard's mother ran in looking livid.

"How dare you make my son cry?" She creamed. Then, she and Howard started combining their bodies like on Teen Wolf and they became a giant unstoppable beast!

They started knocking down the magazine racks and they started eating all the food! They even shoved Pop Rocks and soda down some random kid's throat and he exploded and died! The owners of the convenient store were pissed!

"I'll show them how it's done in Bikampur!" One of the owners said pulling out a gun and shooting Howard and his mother a gazillion times! His bullets had no effect on them though!

"There is only one way to defeat them." Sheldon said and he started to throw peanuts at Hoard and his mother. They started screaming in pain and then they came apart and were a danger no longer. Howard's mother ran off to go watch Days of Our Lives and Wil Wheaton walked up to Howard with a look of admiration on his face.

"That was so cool; do you want to be my boyfriend?" He asked.

"Sure." Howard said and then they went off to go have sex.


	4. Chapter 4

That night, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend Bernadette after five hours of doing it all night.

"I have to tell you something." She said softly.

"What is it?" I asked sadly, afraid that she would break up with me.

"I am cheating on you with Leonard." She whimpered.

"OMG THAT'S FANTASTIC!" I screamed. Now, Leonard, Bernadette, and I could have threesomes without it being awkward.

"So you're not mad?" She asked.

"No, I think it's cool that you cheated on me with my boyfriend because now we can have threesomes!" I exclaimed happily. Bernadette and I started jumping up and down with excitement and then we called Leonard.

"Hello?" A woman answered the phone.

"Who is this?" I asked.

"Leonard's girlfriend, who is this?" She sneered.

"Do you wanna have a foursome with me, Bernadette, and Leonard?" I asked.

"No you sick perv! Keep your slutty hands off of my boyfriend!" She exclaimed. I gasped how dare Leonard cheat on me with someone who isn't my girlfriend and then refuse to have a foursome with us.

"What is your name?" I asked.

"Leslie Winkle, I am Rip Van Winkle's granddaughter." She said proudly as if that made her something special.

"Well Leslie, you better watch your back!" I threatened before slamming down the phone. I was so pissed that I started cutting myself with Bernadette's glasses.

The next day at school, Leonard and I ignored each other.

"I heard that Penny made it into America's Next Top Model, she will be like the youngest contestant ever." Amy said.

"That's fantastic!" I smiled, I was happy for her; Penny is so pretty and nice! My happiness was soon dashed when I saw Leonard and Leslie making out, ugh, they were more disturbing than Wil Wheaton and Howard who were having full blown sex on the table.

"I can't believe he cheated on you with that prep Leslie." Amy said shaking her head.

"I know right? What a bitch!" Bernadette yelled before throwing a knife at the kissing pair. The knife landed in Leslie's butt and she started to cry. Leonard glared at us and he and Leslie walked off to go to the hospital.

Amy, Bernadette, and I started cackling meanly, hopefully the knife would give Leslie a bad infection and she'd have to get her butt cut off!


	5. Chapter 5

A couple of months later, Leslie came back to school with her butt looking smaller than it used to be. Bernadette had also gone to trial and she got put in jail for assault with a deadly weapon. However, her dad, who was a cop, threatened to fire everyone until they set her free so they did and she was back in school.

"Lilac, I love you, will you please go back out with me?" Leonard sobbed and he started singing Vampires Will Never Hurt You by My Chemical Romance.

"No, piss off, besides, that song isn't even relevant to the situation." I sniffed.

"Ebony forgave me when I sang her that song." Leonard pouted.

"WHAT?! YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH MY SISTER?"I screamed.

"Technically, we weren't together these past couple of months so technically I wasn't cheating." He retorted.

"Ugh whatever, you probably have aids anyway!" I said before storming out of the cafeteria with Amy and Bernadette at my heels. When we reached the hallway, we could see that stupid prep Howard crying all over the place.

"What's wrong with him?" I cackled.

"He's pregnant." Stuart said walking up. He had left the bully club so he could be with Raj, but then he pretended to break up with Raj so he could be back in the bully club, and now he was working as a double agent.

"Wtf how?" I asked.

"Well, whenever he and his mother combined their bodies, her womb and ovaries stayed in his body and now he can get pregnant." Stuart explained.

I gasped!

"What does Wil Wheaton think about this?" Amy asked.

Stuart shrugged,

"From what I know, he has no idea about it, if I were him though; I'd be pretty freaked out. Before any of us could reply, Leonard ran up naked, he had a big you know what and everything!

"Please take me back Lilac! Ebony is too mean and Leslie isn't that much fun since she had her butt cut off." He cried.

"Why the heck are you naked?" I asked, ignoring everything he had said.

"I took off my clothes to try and seduce you!" He screamed and started cutting himself with his glasses. I rolled my eyes, I had no time for his pathetic cheating ass and I stomped off yet again with Amy and Bernadette at my heels.

"Lilac wait!" Leonard yelled and he then started singing Addicted by Simple Plan. I was flattened because he finally sang a song that was relevant to the situation so I jumped on him and we started screwing right in the middle of the hall way. Everyone started cheesing our names because they thought we looked so cute together, some kids were even videotaping it! Leonard and I were too busy getting busy to care though. We were happy because we knew that we would be the only ones for each other.


	6. Chapter 6

That night we had a party at my house to celebrate Leonard and me getting back together. Raj's sexy older brother, Sanjay Gupta, was there too. He was wearing a ripped fishnet shirt, black Tripp pants, and a pair of black converse. He was wearing a lot of black eyeliner and black lipstick.

Leonard was still naked because he had forgotten where he had put his clothes after he had taken them off earlier. He had a really big you know what though so no one really cared.

I was wearing a black Underoath t-shirt with a black lacy skirt that came to my calves and a pair of knee high converse. I had my hair in a French braid.

"Hey." Howard said in his nasty preppy voice.

"Ugh, who invited you?" I growled.

"Like omg you guys are sooo scary!" Howard exclaimed before running off crying. We all started cheering when he left because you can't have those stupid preps crashing a party.

Then! All the suddenly, a horrible man with green skin and giant muscles came bursting through the door he had green skin (basically like the Incredible Hulk in the movie) he was wearing black shorts but it was obvious he wasn't gothic it was… THE INCREDIBLE HULK!

"Hulk smash!" The Hulk yelled before smashing his fist down and killing a group of people.

"Noooo!" I screamed in terror.

"You must do something Lilac." The Hulk said after everyone had fled.

"No leave me alone!" I cried; I didn't want to do anything that evil green monster told me to do.

"You must kill Bernadette." The Hulk cackled. I thought about Bernadette and her sexah voice and how she cheated on me with Leonard so we could have threesomes.

"NO!" I shouted angrily.

"Fine, if you don't then I shall kill your beloved Leonard." The Hulk said.

"How did you know?" I gasped.

"I hath telekinesis, and if you don't kill Bernadette then I shall kill her anyway!" The Hulk exclaimed before smashing out a wall and running off.

I couldn't believe what just happened, my party had been ruined and now I had to kill my girlfriend or the Incredible Hulk would kill my boyfriend! I sat down and started to cry when I saw someone looming over me, looking at me with concern, I gasped! It was….

To be continued!


	7. Chapter 7

Raj's dad!

"Omg wtf, how'd you get out of the computer?" I gasped. Raj's dad got a 'dude you're so retarded' look on his face,

"I don't always stay in the computer, I do other things too."

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I know how to defeat the Hulk." Raj's dad said. I and everyone who had come back after the Hulk left started cracking up laughing.

"DON'T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS; THIS AIN'T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO!" Raj's dad thundered, causing everyone to gasp with shock.

"What do you mean?" I dared to ask, I had no idea what a rodeo had to do with anything. Raj's dad's voice then got all low and hot like a male version of Amy Lee in the beginning of Going Under.

"I went to Mexico once, I tricked the people there into believing that I was one of their own, and then I joined a Latin gang. I lost a lot of good men in that gang."

"Okay?" Leonard said, looking at Raj's dad like he was crazy.

"I'm staying that I have street cred, and that I'm going to kill that mother fucker!" Raj's dad thundered.

"Why are you so keen on killing the Hulk?" I wondered.

"Bernadette's dad saved my life once, I owe him one." Raj's dad said and then he got out his gun and loaded it with some bullets.

"Let's go get that son of a bitch." He growled and he started to walk off. Leonard and I shrugged our shoulders and we went to go follow them. However, when we got there, we saw Howard making out with the Hulk!

Wil Wheaton was there too, crying in a corner.

"Why are you crying?" I asked even though Wil Wheaton had always been mean to me.

"I called Howard freaky and he dumped me." Wil Wheaton sobbed.

"Why would you call him freaky?" Leonard asked.

"I meant freaky in a good way! But now it's too late, now he's with the incredible Hulk." Wil Wheaton sobbed harder and he started cutting himself with Leonard's glasses.

Then, all the suddenly, the Hulk punched Howard and he went flying three hundred feet! Wil Wheaton jumped up in a fit of rage and started punching the Incredible Hulk.

"Don't ever hit my boyfriend again!" He thundered; he looked more pissed than I have ever seen him. Then, Raj's dad pulled out his guns and started shooting at the Hulk like Alison's dad in Teen Wolf. The Hulk then ran off crying and Wil Wheaton ran over to Howard and helped him up.

"I am so sorry I dumped you and then made out with the Hulk." Howard sobbed.

"I'm sorry I called you freaky." Wil Wheaton said.

I had to resist gagging myself when they started having sex right in the middle of the road.  
"Will you marry me?" Wil Wheaton then asked.

"Sure!" Howard exclaimed happily and then they ran off to go have sex again.

I then turned to Leonard and Raj's dad,

"Now what?"

"Now, we wait, that son of a bitch will be back, I can feel it in my bones." Raj's dad said before putting his guns back in his pocket and disappearing off into the night.


	8. Chapter 8

The next day at school, I saw a boy wearing black Tripp pants and a black Simple Plan t-shirt with a pair of black combat boots. He had his dyed black hair in spikes and he was wearing a pair of red contact lenses. My body got all hot and cold, kind of like an erection, only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko!

I couldn't resist myself and I jumped on him and started to screw him.

"Get off me you mouldy slut!" He thundered. I gasped, it was WIL WHEATON!

"OMFG Wil Wheaton, you know I am taken stop trying to screw me!" I exclaimed slapping him. I smirked when I saw that prep Howard standing there with tears welling up in his preppy eyes, he had heard EVERYTHING!

"I didn't try to screw you! You came onto me!" Wil Wheaton exclaimed before he ran off to go find his preppy fiancé.

Leonard, Bernadette, Amy, and I started cackling meanly.

"That was like sooo mean." A prep said, we put up our middle fingers at her.

"So, Raj said he's hosting a séance at his house tonight." Amy said.

"Those things are a bunch of hooky." Sheldon said rolling his eyes and we blasted him out into space because he's so annoying! Sheldon soon died from lack of oxygen and everyone started to celebrate except for Leonard who started to cut himself with his glasses while crying. I then caught on,

"Oh my gosh! You're in love with him aren't you?"

"No, it's not that." Leonard said.

"Yea right! I wouldn't get all depressed if Amy died, I'd just go get some pancakes or something!" I yelled.

"Hey!" Amy said angrily.

"I'm not dating Sheldon." Leonard said with annoyance.

"Yea right! Whatever, I bet the Hulk would be a way better lover than you anyway!" I said before stomping off.

_Leonard's POV_

I didn't know why Lilac was so mad, I didn't get mad at her for dating Bernadette and besides, I wasn't even dating Sheldon; he's dating that stupid prep Priya. Anyway, he is so not my type, I like women; I like knockers, hooters, honkers, vaginas! WOMEN!

_Lilac's POV_

I ran to the hallway and started to cry on a locker where I had lost my virility to Leonard. I couldn't believe it! I then pulled out my mobile and dialled the incredible Hulk.

"Hello?" He answered; I could hear some girl that sounded just like my sister moaning in the background!

"Is Ebony there?" I wondered.

"The pale skinny goth girl with the rotting teeth and pockmarks?" The Hulk asked. I knew right away that it was her, Ebony had done so much drugs, like Meth, Coke, Heroin, etc that it completely destroyed her looks. She was only eighteen but she looked about thirty and almost all of her teeth were gone and the remaining ones were about to rot out. She had a lot of acne and sores and scars on her face too. She looked just like someone out of a Faces of Meth campaign. She was a total bitch though so I didn't care if she got help or not.

"Tell her that she's a bitch, anyway, I decided that you can kill Leonard but leave Bernadette out of this." I said.

"You got a deal." The Hulk cackled. I smirked before hanging up the phone; that will teach Leonard! I thought to myself as I walked to my next class.


	9. Chapter 9

As soon as the Hulk came to collect Leonard I started to regret it, I sat down and cried for like two hours before I decided to go after them. When I ran outside I saw Howard there on his tricycle.

"Hop on; I know where the Hulk lives!" He called.

"Ugh, whatever, like I'd believe anything a stupid prep says, you'll probably just lead me to my doom." I shouted angrily.

Howard glared at me before shrugging his shoulders and speeding away angrily on his tricycle.

Then, Sheldon walked up and said he knew where the Hulk lives, I was mad at him for cheating on me with Leonard but he was the lesser of the two evils so I decided to go there with him. When we got there, the Hulk was making out with… RAJ'S DAD!

"Omg what are you doing? I thought you hated the Hulk!" I gasped.

"Chup ke chut hai!" Raj's dad said angrily and a lightning bolt shot out of his eyes towards us.

I dodged out of the way and looked at Raj's dad angrily,

"What is the meaning of this? I gasped; I thought you were on our side."

"Jaa apni bajaa!" Raj's dad growled. I gasped, I had no idea what he was saying but it didn't sound very nice.

"I just want Leonard, I don't care if you're a stupid ass traitor; I just came to get my boyfriend." I huffed.

The Hulk started to cackle meanly and showed us Leonard's mangled corpse before he started eating it!

"Apna khayal rakhna." Raj's dad told the Hulk, the Hulk grunted something in return, and Raj's dad ran out of the building. I ran out after him.

"What is the meaning of this? I thought you hated the Hulk." I said angrily.

"I was working as a double agent, but you ruined it!" Raj's dad said angrily.

"We only have room for one double agent in this town and we already have him." I said pulling out a knife and cutting Raj's dad's throat out; he died.

Only, he didn't die! He became a zombie and he started chasing me everywhere! I finally managed to find a secret cave but I gasped when I saw that Howard was in there cooking!

**Translations**

**Chup ke chut hai: Shut the fuck up**

**Jaa apni bajaa: Go fuck yourself**

**Apna khayal rakhna: Take care**


	10. Chapter 10

"£What are you doing here?" I demanded angrily.

"I was here first so I should be asking you that." Howard sniffed. A plan then began to form in my head; I knew how I would be rid of Howard once and for all.

"I actually came to invite you to my party that's happening now." I said with a sinister smile.

"How did you know I was in this cave? Did you follow me?"

"Yes, I followed you, I felt bad for being mean so I decided to follow you all this way to invite you to my party." I lied.

"I'd love to go!" Howard said with excitement. I chuckled, knowing Howard would take the bait, he had tried desperately for years to get into my gang but I wasn't going to let that little poser prep in my gang ever!

"Okay, it's at the park, you can lead the way." I said. I chuckled when Howard stepped outside right into the hungry clutches of Raj's dad.

However, when I stepped out, instead of seeing Raj's dad eating Howard, I saw them doing it and Kripke was watching! Barry then ran up because Kripke was his boyfriend and he didn't like that he was watching two other guys have sex so he started to stab him seductively. Blood spurted out of Kripke like a fountain and he ran around in circles screaming. He then fell over and died. I started laughing like a maniac, I just hoped that he wouldn't become a zombie too; one zombie is enough for a town.

"Great party Lavender!" Howard called.

I rolled my eyes, he is so stupid, couldn't he see that there wasn't a party going on and I had just thrown him into the clutches of a hungry zombie? I then got another great idea and I took a picture of Howard and Raj's dad getting their groove on and sent it to Wil Wheaton.

Not even ten minutes later, Wil Wheaton came speeding up like his butt was on fire and he had a livid look on his face.

"YOU FAT HOOKER SLUT HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE THAT ISN'T ME WHILE WE'RE TOGETHER!" Wil Wheaton screamed at Howard who started to cry.

"What about when you had sex with Lilac?" Howard choked out.

"She came onto me you dunderhead!" Wil Wheaton said with his face turning red.

"What about when you had sex with The Hulk?" Howard pouted.

"That was YOU; YOU had sex with the Hulk." Wil Wheaton said rolling his eyes.

"Oh yea." Howard said.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you, I just don't want to lose you to some other guy." Wil Wheaton said and then he started crying. I had to resist vomiting when they started doing the hanky panky.

As I was about to turn away, the convenient store owners, Raj, Raj's sister, Raj's mother, Sanjay Gupta, and a lot of other Indian people started coming up. THEY WERE ALL ZOMBIES!


	11. Chapter 11

I started screaming and I ran away with Leonard, Howard, Sheldon, and everyone else who wasn't a zombie at my heels.

"That was a close one." Leonard said when we reached an abandoned shed.

"I know right?" I replied. Leonard and I then began to peel off each other's cloths fervently and then he put his cock-a-doodle-doo in my coop sexily.

"Oh! Oh! Oh hohohoh!" I moaned, getting an orgasm. Leonard then began to moan like a baboon and he emptied his seed into me seductively.

"Oh my gosh, you guys aren't supposed to be doing that in here." Howard said in his nasty preppy voice. I ignored him, he is such a hippocampus.

"Leonard was about to say something when HARRIET OLSEN RAN IN WEARING PURPLE LIKE ALWAYS!

"Muhthurrr!" Her spoiled, but not as spoiled as Nancy, daughter Nellie cried.

"What is with all these mother f'in people in this mother f'in shed?" Samuel L Jackson yelled.

Harriet and Nellie let out an annoyed huff before running out of the shed and then they were soon eaten by the evil Indian zombies.

"Omfg nooo!" Howard cried; he then began to cry heavily when Wil Wheaton was eaten by the zombie hoard.

"What am I going to do?" He asked with giant globs of snot running down his face.

I then began to see him in a different light, he didn't look like the stupid prep he always was, this time he started to look sexy and gothic, I could no longer contain myself and I jumped on him and we began screwing each other. Bernadette, Leonard, Amy, Stuart, Barry, Harriet, Nellie, The Hulk, and The Zombies all joined in, we had a giant orgy that I would never forget as long as I live.

The end? Or is it? 


End file.
